Choices Therapy

What is important to you?

Black Flags: Non-negotiables

The things you will not accept or tolerate. These can be related to past experiences in relationships, patterns you noticed in your parent’s relationship, or general behaviours that you’ve picked up along the way. Knowing these flags ahead of time reduces the chances of you starting a relationship with someone that is not a good fit with you or continuing in a relationship that is no longer good for you.

i.e. DV, substance abuse, infidelity, controlling behaviour, going through your phone, etc.

White Flags: Must haves

Qualities or characteristics that are essential/required for you to have a long, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

i.e. a job, a good relationship with their family, healthy communication, wants kids

Green Flags: Strengths

Things that you want to see more of, that you appreciate about your partner, and efforts that are made to address previously flagged behaviours.These are important! Using the 20:1 ratio is helpful here – 20 supportive/positive interactions for every 1 critical/negative interaction.

Orange Flags: Watch out

It may be something, it may be nothing, but it caught your attention for a reason, which means that it is worth flagging for future reference. Periodically reflecting on the relationship can give you the chance to note clusters of related orange flags.This can help you to identify recurring concerns and/or unwanted behaviour patterns without dwelling on every little thing as it comes up. Regular couple check-ins can provide a great opportunity to have a casual discussion about any of these flags that are causing concern.

Red Flags: Needs discussing

A red flag could be an accumulation of unresolved orange flags or the presence of a black flag at the outset of the relationship. These flags need to be addressed and if they don’t stop, or if they become more frequent/intense, may become black flags.i.e. persistent dismissal of, or engagement in, any behaviour/activity that has been expressly raised as a concern.Depending on the nature of the red flag it may require immediate conversation, or it may be raised during the weekly couple check in.

Bookmarks

Once you decide to start the process of forgiveness or commit to working for a healthier relationship you place the bookmark. This marks the decision to separate your present and future from the past. Just like placing a bookmark in a novel does not disqualify or erase the part of the story that came before, it creates a pause between where you were and where you are going.

The experience before the bookmark can inform what comes next and can be reflected on for reference as the story proceeds. Without the bookmark, past experiences can overshadow the efforts that are made in the present. Please remember to take regular opportunities to look for the positive changes and efforts that are made. Notice the positives to encourage them to continue and help guide them towards ongoing growth and improvement. Not getting it right the first time doesn’t mean they aren’t trying; it means they are learning.

What are your flags?

❖ If you are single you can fill out the BLACK/WHITE columns based on what you want in a relationship, and the GREEN/ORANGE/RED columns based on experiences you have had in past relationships.

❖ If you are in a relationship you can fill out the BLACK/WHITE columns based on what you want in a relationship and use it to reflect on your current relationship, and the GREEN/ORANGE/RED columns based on experiences you are having/have had in your existing relationship. 

In either case consider this: Are you honouring your non-negotiables and must haves, or are you overlooking them and settling? 

If it’s the latter, I'll ask you consider: 

The Ikea Effect: a cognitive bias that has us placing a disproportionate value onto things that we build ourselves. 

Don't waste your time and effort building something that you don't want to keep. If you can recognise that there are persistent Red Flags or any Black Flags, why continue trying to build and strengthen something that you already know that you don't want. This consideration is particularly when The Ikea Effect suggests that you'll then continue to invest in it further still because you'll place a higher value on it simply due to your previous efforts that have been invested. 

Learn how to identify your Flags early on so that you can effectively filter the relationships that are "worthwhile" your ongoing investment. Don't allow yourself to get stuck with a relationship that you don't want just because you've given it your all.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

Conflict is unavoidable. How you manage the conflict can be the difference between your relationship going the distance or heading for separation.When managed well, conflict is healthy, functional, and natural and allows for opportunities to grow within your relationship. Learning to manage even the unsolvable issues in a respectful manner will assist you in paving the road to relationship that can last a [happy] lifetime.

John Gottman has identified four unhealthy communication approaches that people tend to default to when addressing conflict. Identifying each of them within yourself and making a conscious effort to choose the healthy alternative is a wonderful way to engage in personal development and show your partner that you respect them, even when you may find it difficult to like them.

Horseman 1: Criticism

The difference between attacking your partner and teaching them. This means that it is also thedifference between solving one issue and creating a new one. Criticisms typically come in the form ofa ‘You’ statement, and sound like you are blaming someone for something.Consider the difference between the following statements:1. “You never put your socks in the basket! You only ever think about yourself!”2. “It really frustrates me when you leave your socks on the floor. Could you please put them inthe basket?”Option 1 is accusing your partner of being selfish, and is likely to result in your partner defendingthemselvesOption 2 is raising an issue and proposing a solution, inviting them to learn more about the things thatare important to you, and welcoming them to work with you to make things better.This strategy helps to minimise the number, and intensity, of your arguments.

Horseman 2: Contempt

The greatest predictor or separation and divorce! If ever there were a horseman to try and completely remove from your relationship; this is it. Realistically, it is unlikely that you will stop all signs of contempt – we are human after all – but this horseman is rude and unnecessary. Contempt seeks to emotionally destroy and belittle your partner, while placing yourself on a pedestal of superiority.Sarcasm: a sharp, biting, or cutting remarkSneering: a facial expression of disgust Mockery: to insult, or make light of something important to another Eye rolling Cynicism: an attitude of distrust in a person or their motives Hostile humour: to be aggressive, angry, or unfriendlyThese behaviours are unfortunately common, and there is very little thought for the impact theseseemingly small behaviours can have on the people they are directed towards. You likely didn’t get into a relationship with your partner so that you can offend or hurt them, and yet with every sneer, sarcastic comment, and eye roll that is exactly what you are doing. To solve this, use the 5:1 Magic Ratio – 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative. It could be a compliment, verbal recognition of an accomplishment or task, offering to help with something, or giving them a gift, but make it something you know they will appreciate [HINT: the 5 love language can be a really helpful resource here]. This way your relationship rule is respect, and the exception to the rule is contempt rather than the other way around. In these cases, you will more likely to ask ifthey are okay when the contempt occurs but it is out of character and may be a sign that somethingis wrong.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically, but not always, a response to criticism; when you feel attacked your instinct is to protect yourself. This approach not only dismisses the issue that was raised in the first place, but creates another problem in its wake.

Becoming defensive is a sign that you are not taking accountability; you are blaming someone, or something, else. Because your partner isn’t feeling heard AND they now feel attacked, [you guessed it] they are more likely to become defensive, and so the merry-go-round of conflict continues.

Consider the difference: 

Option 1: “It’s not my fault your feelings got hurt. You’re too sensitive.”

Option 2: “I’m sorry I raised my voice, I know you don’t like it when I yell. Let me try again.”

The responsibility here falls on both parties: 

Spouse 1 to raise a complaint rather than a criticism, and Spouse 2 to accept responsibility for the part they played, and respond with respect. 

It is important to note that defensiveness usually occurs for a reason. When responding with kindness you are not condoning the poor communication or behaviour of the other person, you are taking responsibility for your own actions. [NOTE: reflective listening exercises are really helpful here]

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

When all else fails, run away! Stonewalling is what happens when we check out of conflict. This response is based in the fight and flight response, and it can look a number of different ways: 

Physically 

You walk into the other room in the middle of the argument, or you get in the car and leave.

Emotionally

You stop engaging in the conversation, by nodding and ‘yessing’ or not responding at all.

These responses happen when you can’t take anymore; you are physically and emotionally exhausted, you’re angry, you’re not getting anywhere, and you need a break. Your body is on edge [increased heart rate, raised voice, tensed muscles, sick feeling in your stomach] and you want to protect yourself. You don’t want to attack your partner [good on you], but you know that if you stay any longer that’s exactly what will happen; so you leave in whichever way you can [physically or emotionally]. 

As much as you may be stonewalling to protect your partner, it is highly unlikely they will see it the same way, so they will try and push you to keep going. Instead of pushing yourself to breaking point it is important for a number of reasons to take a break. 

1. You are listening to your body, which is always a good thing, and it will allow you to continue the conversation with a clear mind later on
2. You give the relationship a great opportunity to build trust, which is incredibly important for the relationship.To take a break in the middle of an argument you should do two things:
   1. Let your partner know how you will be responding when things are calm, “If I feel overwhelmed, I’m going to ask for a moment so that I can collect myself.” Both of you must agree to uphold the terms of the ‘moment’ otherwise it will not work.
   2. For maximum effect ask for the break BEFORE things escalate too far. Once you’ve ‘flipped your lid’ you should still ask for the break, but you will not have as much control over how you ask for it, so it may come across as one of the other horsemen [critical or contemptuous]. Asking early on ensures greater odds of maintaining respect. Once you’ve called for your ‘pause’ take at least 20-30 minutes to do something soothing; this is the time it takes for your body to reset.

The Do’s and Don’ts of the ‘pause’: 

DO… 

1. Read a book
2. Have a cup of tea
3. Yoga
4. Breathe

DON’T…

1. Stew over the argument
2. Think about how you are better than they are
3. Play the victim

This is where the trust exercise comes in: you trust that your partner will give you the space you need, and your partner trusts you to come back and work towards a resolution. After you have taken your moment, come together again, be mindful of the 4 Horsemen, and work together as a team in pursuit of a solution.

Tips:

1. Take some time to identify which of the Horsemen you are most likely to use in an argument
2. When you are in conflict with your partner, pull yourself up when you use them, “I’m sorry, that was very critical of me. Let me try again.” – your partner will appreciate the effort, and you get the benefit of not only becoming more self-aware, but knowing that you are taking steps to show your partner how much they mean to you. 
3. Put yourself in their shoes. You may not agree with their perspective but that doesn’t make it wrong. Your partner’s feelings are just as important as yours, but their experience of the world may mean that they feel differently, or have a different opinion, than you do about the same situation.
4. Seek understanding. When in doubt, ask a question. If you don’t understand why your partner is sensitive about a particular topic, ask them if they can help you to understand.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

Picture this… You are on one side of the line (BLUE), and your partner is on the other (GREEN).

When you stay on your respective sides of the line you only see your perspective – either a 6 (you) ora 9 (them).

If you try to explain to your partner that you see a 6, they will likely tell you that you’re wrong; fromtheir point of view it is clearly a 9 – If this approach continues you and your partner will likely spenda lot of time arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong. 

But! What if neither of you are wrong?

So, you get curious…You know that what you see is a 6 (you learned your numbers a long time ago), so you know that you’re right. Yet the person sitting across from you – someone that you trust – is telling you that it’s something else. Why? 

Go over to their side, “Honey, I’m not seeing things the way you are. Can you help me to understand?” In doing this, you have moved past the idea of right and wrong (“If I am right, then he/she must be wrong”) and you’ve opened your mind to alternative perspectives and the idea of compromise. 

My opinion matters, my partner’s opinion matters, and neither opinion is more important or valid than the other. 

An important thing to remember is that you do not have to agree with their perspective in order to understand it. Maybe you see a 9 as well, but maybe you believe that the shape of an upside down 6 is equal to a ‘g’ and not a ‘9’; nines have straight tails and not curved ones. Just as you would appreciate their understanding, rest assured that they would appreciate yours. 

The beauty of the exercise is in the fact that we do not need to agree with each other in order to respect differing perspectives.

The Weekly Check In allows couples to address the big issues in their relationship in a controlled and emotionally neutral environment.

The Rules

Revisit the rules at the beginning of each meeting to keep them fresh in your mind.

1. Message, delivery, and interpretation

1. The message is what we want them to know
2. The delivery is how you tell them
3. The interpretation is how they receive it

2. Remember the 4 Horsemen

1. Criticism – attacking the person (You always… You never… All you ever think about…)
2. Defensiveness – defending the attack (If you hadn’t done… Then I wouldn’t have… The only reason Idid that is because… I didn’t mean it like that…)
3. Contempt – mocking, sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling, dismissive comments Ugh… Whatever
4. Stonewalling – checking out physically (storming out of the room) or mentally (smiling and nodding)

3. Active listening 

Your partner won’t always get the delivery right, so be patient with them and notice the effort. Listen for the message: What is your partner trying to tell you?

4. The Magic Ratio

20:1 – 20 pleasant interactions for every 1 unpleasant interaction

5. Look for the Win/Win 

Just because your opinion is valid doesn’t mean that your partners isn’t.

The Chat

Set aside the same time each week for your check in. This creates consistency and helps to rebuild anew habit. It also means that you can put it in your diary so that it remains a priority.

1. Set the scene – tea, coffee, brunch, etc. (NO ALCOHOL!)

2. Revisit the rules

3. Choose who will go first – you can alternate from week-to-week or keep it consistent.

4. The roles you play

1. The Speaker – Focus on your delivery; how are you communicating your message? I feel… I need… If your partner is struggling to understand or misunderstands remain calm and try again. Remember they are trying their best and that this is a skill that will take time to master.
2. The Listener – Suspend your agenda (your turn will come). This is not about defending your actions itis about trying to understand how your partner is feeling. You don’t have to agree in order tounderstand. It sounds like you feel… when I… Is that right?

5. Be mindful of how you are communicating and pull yourself up if you find yourself engaging in one of The Horsemen. Try not to pull your partner up on it (we are looking for increased accountability and ownership of our own actions, not criticism of theirs), however in cases where it feels like it’s snowballing it may be helpful to flag your concerns or request a time out.

6. If there are topics that you are having difficulties resolving write them down and bring them to your next session.

7. Finally, take some time to appreciate the things that went well over the week – While it is important to address that areas that require improvement, it is equally important to acknowledge the effort and successes. Remember that it may be a subtle improvement, but steps in the right direction are more likely to continue when they are noticed.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

Saying ‘no’ is not easy! It can bring up feelings like guilt (“I should be helping them”), shame (“I’m so selfish; what would people think of me?”), fear (“What will they do if I say ‘no’?”), and obligation (“That’s my child; it’s my job to help them”). This means that we will often say ‘yes’ in order to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.

Here are a few things to consider the next time you want to say ‘no’ but find yourself saying ‘yes.’

1. Do you want to say ‘yes’? 

First things first: If you want to say yes; go for it! However, if you feel that saying ‘yes’ would only be done to please the other person, or that it would put you out; it’s time to say ‘no’.

2. What would saying ‘yes’ mean for you? 

By saying ‘yes’ to please the other person, or to avoid feeling guilty, you are compromising your boundaries, and telling yourself that the needs of others are more important than your own, which is not healthy; your needs matter. 

3. Remind yourself that it is healthy to say ‘no’

You have not been put on this planet to serve the needs of others, and it is important for your well-being to know how and when to say ‘no’.

4. How are you going to do it?

Phone call, email, SMS, IM, or face-to-face? Find the most comfortable way of getting your message across, but keep in mind that sometimes the method will be chosen for you (i.e. a request being made face-to-face). If you feel uncomfortable making the on-the-spot decision, refer to #10.

5. You don’t owe anyone anything

You will likely feel the need to justify or explain your reason for saying ‘no’, or even apologise. You can offer a reason if you want (i.e. “I’ll be at work, so I won’t be able to help”), but sometimes the answer is ‘no’ simply because you don’t want to, which is okay.

6. Be respectful

Respect the other party but remind yourself that theirs is not the only stance that matters.

7. Provide another option (if you want)

In some instances, you may wish to offer them an alternative (i.e. “I’ll be at work, so I won’t be able to help on that day, but I’m free the following day if that helps?”), although this is not necessary.

8. Map it out, write it down, and rehearse it. 

In situations where you have time to consider your options you may like to write them down; do a cost-benefit analysis. This can also be helpful for preparing your response so that you feel more confident giving your answer.

9. Delay your response

Take your time. If the request is time sensitive and you’re hesitating on your response, the chances are likely that you want to say ‘no,’ but you don’t know how, or you don’t want to disappoint the person asking. If you are genuinely undecided, let them know that you need some time to think*.

10. No reply can be a reply.

Try not to rely on this option too heavily. First, it can be quite disrespectful, and second it can reinforce avoidant behaviour in yourself, which is unhealthy in the long term.This response can be particularly helpful as a follow up to a ‘no’ response, where the person is badgering you to change your mind. This is their responsibility to manage themselves, not yours to manage them. You have given your answer, if they don’t like it that is up to them to manage their feelings and problem-solve their own issue.

* “But what if I ask for time to think and they keep pestering me to make a decision?” 

This may happen, so I offer two solutions: 

1. When you ask for time, give them a ball-park time frame for when you will give your response and stick to it. This is a sign of respect, and it means they aren’t completely in the dark on when they will hear back from you, which should give them peace of mind while you make your decision;

2. If they continue to badger you about it (and they may), you can do one of two things: 

i. Ignore them [you gave them your answer and a time that you will respond, you don’t owe them anything more], or;

ii. Let them know that while you respect the fact that they want an immediate response that you require additional time to consider, but if they would like a decision immediately, unfortunately the answer will be ‘no.’ Saying ‘no’ may be difficult, but it is a healthy and powerful tool to have. Give it a go, practice it, and keep working at it until it feels natural.

Your thoughts can be your worst enemy or your greatest ally; the difference lies in your awareness of the thoughts and the effects they can have. Identifying unhealthy thoughts and having alternatives on hand will allow you to regain control of your thoughts and, as a result, your emotions.

Review the coping statements listed below and select 3-5 that you feel the most comfortable with (these can be changed at any time or tailored according to your needs). For maximum benefit write down your chosen statements on a small card or an easily accessible note in your phone and rehearse the statements during times of low need (this will increase your chances of recalling them in times of high need).

Anxiety/Stress

“Fighting this won’t help me to feel better in this situation. I will breathe my way through this feeling, and it will pass.”

“This is uncomfortable, but I know that I can handle it.”

“If I can relax through these feelings, I can learn to control my emotions.”

“Feeling anxious doesn’t prevent me from handling this situation.”

“My mind is working against me. If I can gain perspective, I might be able to see an alternative view that can help meidentify the positives.”

“This is a great opportunity to pause, check my SUDs, and engage a coping strategy.”

“I’ve done this before, and I know that I can do it again. What did I do last time that may help me now?”

“Worrying about the future is just a way of punishing myself twice.”

"Stressing about this is not going to make things any easier, if anything it will make it harder. I just need to take a pause, close my eyes, and focus my thoughts on the task at hand.” 

“I take pride in the work that I do, so I know that I will do the best I can.”

“Nothing serious is going to happen; I know that I’m not in danger.”

“I have survived panic attacks before, and I can survive this one as well.”

Anger

“I am in charge of my emotions; they are not in control of me.”

“It is possible for me to experience my emotions without becoming my emotions.”

Overwhelmed

“There is a lot going on right now, but there is always something that I can control. What could it be?” 

“When the world feels like it’s too big to handle, I will come back into my bubble of control and find something that I can achieve.”

“Not all stress is bad. What kind of stress am I feeling? Am I calm – there’s no stress at all; Am I feeling eustress – I’m energised, motivated, and focused; Or am I feeling distress – fatigued, exhausted, poor health, and burnout?”

“Just as people don’t jump all the hurdles at once, I don’t need to overcome every obstacle at the same time. I just need to breathe and figure out which one to start with.”

"What is the next best step that I can take?"

"Have I reflected on how far I have come, or am I focusing on how long is left to go?"

Guilt

"Thank you for your patience." Instead of "I'm sorry I'm late"

The take home from these is:

1. Positively gear your thinking - the mind cannot compute a negative concept without out first processing the positive counterpart. i.e. The phrase "Don't think of a purple elephant" first requires you to think of a purple elephant so that you know what not to think about. Sounds like a waste of time to me! It's also opening the risk of reinforcing what you don't want. Be mindful of your language and reinforce the positives to simplify your thoughts.
2. Be mindful of absolute language - it can back you into a corner that you don't want to be in.
3. Language is powerful - use it wisely, both to yourself and the people you are speaking with.
4. There is always something that you can control.

~ Be Kind. Be Well. Until next time, Amylia

For people with low emotional intelligence, reality is a choice, and it is chosen on the basis of how it makes them feel.If the reality they are presented with makes them feel good, they will not only accept it, they will lap it up and beg for more. 

"You're telling me that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, good at my job... Tell me more!" 

But! If the reality that you present them makes them feel bad, they will hit you with one, or a combination of The 4 Ds: Defend, Deflect, Distort, Deny. 

"You're telling me that the way I spoke to you made you feel bad? Or the way I treated you was disrespectful?... That makes me feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. and I don't like that. Let me tell you how you're wrong, or my actions weren't that bad, or they were your fault, or it actually didn't happen at all, if you ask me."

If we contrast this with a healthy response, the person who has a healthy, or higher, emotional intelligence may not like what you have to say (the reality you present them with), but they will accept it, listen to it, and respond to it with accountability and curiosity.

"I'm sorry it came across that way; it wasn't my intention. I'll be mindful of that in the future."

The 4 Ds

Defend

This is an approach that will justify or minimise their actions."It was just a joke.""I didn't mean it like that.""You're always so sensitive."

Deflect

This one will deflect the attention from them onto you or something/someone else. One way of achieving this is with the Victim Flip, also termed as 'Tactical Empathy Abuse', which is the hijacking of the other person's good nature and empathy in an effort to avoid accountability. "The only reason I did that was because...""If you hadn't done X, then I wouldn't have done Y.""I can't believe you're blaming me after everything I've done for you."

Distort

This one involves little micro pivots to the presented reality that result in your initial concern no longer being relevant or true. They will make a subtle change to the reality which will shift things in such a minor way that your initial concern is no longer relevant to the conversation. This will result in you spending time chasing clarity and attempting to bring the conversation back to 'the' reality as opposed to the 'version' of reality that they are comfortable with. Where you are chasing 'the' reality, they will be fabricating versions of reality that help them to avoid accountability and feel comfortable, and in control. The hope is to make you feel crazy, or give up because "What's the point?"

Deny

If all else fails, deny, deny, deny! Distortions and Denials in these circumstances are very reminiscent of gaslighting behaviours. If I can make you doubt your reality, you will use your energy trying to chase the reality you believe in and exhaust yourself in the process, which means that I eventually 'get away with' the denials and distortions. "That never happened." "You're making things up again." 

I refer to these strategies as being "slippery in conflict". You can never make any traction with these situations because in order to reach an outcome there first needs to be agreement and alignment on the reality that you're discussing. If one of you is completely committed to avoiding accountability and re-writing reality, how will this ever be possible? Short answer, it's not! 

What can you do?

A great question that you can ask yourself when you suspect that these strategies are in play is:

"Is this person committed to a story that is protecting their dysfunctional behaviour?"

If the answer to this question is "yes", then you need to protect your peace and disengage from the conversation. If you are reflecting on your own behaviour, and asking if you may be engaging in any of these strategies, you can ask yourself this question:

"Am I lying to myself about anything?"

Remember here that lies can be active and passive. You may be actively lying to yourself by engaging in the 4 Ds, or you may be passively lying to yourself by choosing to ignore certain details, or not being willing to search your blindspots. 

~ Until next time. Be Kind. Be well.Amylia

I preface this entry with the admission that this is a working theory.

It came to me a few months ago when I was working with a client who was seeking support for relationship concerns. We were discussing the Gottman principles of Solvable & Perpetual Problems (something I need to write a blog about in the future), and it hit me! 

Every couple (or individual from a couple) that I have spoken to at the end of their relationship has 'known' right from the beginning that it wasn't a good fit. They knew, but they ignored it. Why? Because they thought it was "too early" to talk about it, or it was "too small" to mention, or they felt they were being "too picky", or they recognised that "no one is perfect". Honestly, the list of reasons has been extensive.

There is more to a relationship than attraction and desire. While this may seem to be a statement of the obvious, it happens to be an area that is often overlooked or downplayed which can lead to devastating consequences. To have a clear understanding of compatibility is to arm yourself with information that is vital when choosing your partner or deciding whether to maintain an existing relationship. 

The Three Categories

Every single time there were only three options. The couples saw things the SAME way, they saw things DIFFERENTLY/COMPATIBLY, or they saw things DIFFERENTLY/INCOMPATIBLE. 

1. Same - This is obviously the ideal. If you and your partner see a situation through the same lens you're in a good place. There is unlikely to be a lot of conflict and you're in agreement about the situation you are facing.
2. Different: Compatible - This one is less ideal but still workable. With a little compromise you will find a solution to the problem you are facing that will mean that neither of you feel neglected or unheard.
3. Different: Incompatible - This is the big bad. If you find yourself in this category in ANY of the topics we are about to go through, I hate to say it, but your relationship has an expiration date. The only way forward is with sacrifice and that doesn't bode well for a happy, satisfying, respectful relationship. 

8 (ish) Points of Compatibility

I say 8 'ish' because it's a working theory. The number seems to ebb and flow a little at the moment, but for the most part, 8 seems to be the lucky number. There may be a bonus category that isn't listed, but is relevant to you and your circumstances. 

As I mentioned earlier, these topics came to me when I was discussing the Perpetual Problems concept developed by John Gottman. These are issues that surface in relationships that are tied to core needs/wants/beliefs of the individual, or deeper still, their character. They are not superficial in nature, and they cannot be 'solved'. 

The only solution - if you really want to call it that - is to identify them, assess them, and recognise whether or not you can accept them. Topics that can be accepted will likely be categorised as compatible, but the ones where you can't accept them (you're tempted to change them, tweak them, or change their mind over time) are the incompatible differences. The only path forward here is to ask "Am I willing to make the sacrifice for what I want/need knowing that things will not change, or do I need to walk away now?" 

The 8 topics of Incompatible Difference:

1. Marriage - one of you wants to get married; the other doesn't.
2. Children - one of you wants children; the other doesn't. Perhaps this is related to how many children you each want to have.
3. Extended Family - contact or no contact. If contact, how much? How do we spend/split the holidays? What happens if my spouse doesn't get along with my family, or vice versa? How will they be involved with the raising of our family?
4. Religion - one of you believes and/or attends church; the other doesn't. Are you going to raise your children in the faith?
5. Finances - agreement on earnings and spendings, individual accounts versus joint accounts, etc.
6. Communication/Conflict Management - is there comfort in discussing the uncomfortable topics or do you avoid them? How do you raise and discuss conflicted topics? How open are you to learning new ways to interact? Are you setting healthy boundaries, or are you being rigid and unteachable?
7. Sex & Intimacy - what do you like and dislike? How frequently do you want to be intimate with one another? What happens when one person wants intimacy and the other isn't in the mood? What happens if your appetites change? 
8. Down time - one person recharges by spending time at home watching TV and other person recharges by going out on the weekends and spending time with friends. 

What to do...

Same

There is nothing that needs to be done when you identify situations like these. You are both on the same page and agree on what needs to be done and how. Perhaps it can be discussed further for the sake of refining the plan, but there isn't any need to troubleshoot the situation because you are already in alignment with one another. 

Different-Compatible (D-C)

Acceptance is the name of the game! Identifying these situations, acknowledging that there is a difference between your two perspectives, and then implementing effective communication and conflict management strategies to work towards a compromise. This is where Assertiveness is incredibly important - your needs matter and so do your partner's. The goal is to respectfully discuss the situation with the aim of finding the compromise involving the least amount of sacrifice from both sides; this may require an agree to disagree outcome. Any time that you find yourself falling into the "I win/You lose" mentality, take a step back and decompress before coming back to the topic with a clear mind. 

Different-Incompatible (D-I) 

If you find yourself in a rigid/fixed situation involving an I win/You lose approach you’ve probably entered a D-I topic. Acceptance is also important here; however, it is the action after acceptance that is the real difference in these scenarios. You must ask yourself “Is this incompatibility tolerable in the long run?” If so, again you need to accept that there will be ongoing sacrifice in your future. If not, then you are faced with the last-resort option of walking away. It is a simple solution, in that there are only two options to choose from, however it is incredibly difficult in that the two choices you have are incredibly heavy. There are some D-I scenarios which will be no-brainers (i.e. abuse), however there are some that can feel ‘grey’ in nature.  Where couples can find themselves in difficult situations with D-I topics is when they avoid them or disingenuously push through them. For example, let’s say the D-I topic is Marriage: Spouse A wants to get married, and Spouse B does not. A few things can happen here: 

1. Early in the relationship it isn’t discussed at all 

1. Some couples avoid the conversations entirely, which means neither party knows where the other stands. They are having fun and enjoying each other’s company, but it’s all superficial – they aren’t going beneath the surface. 

2. Early in the relationship it is mentioned but dismissed because the belief is that “It’s still too early to think about these things.” 

1. Spouse A prompts a question about marriage to see where Spouse B stands on the topic, and either: 

1. The topic is disregarded because “It’s too early to be thinking about this.”; or 

2. The topic is briefly spoken about to the extent where Spouse B discloses that he/she has no interest in marriage – Here we have successfully identified Marriage as a D-I topic in the relationship! Now this issue is how to handle it. 

1. If the couple takes this information as a prompt to explore the topic and genuinely reflect on the impact that it has on each other, they would be able to navigate the topic and land on an outcome: 

1. Accept & Continue 

1. Genuine: Spouse A muses that the relationship is excellent but-for this one area, and he/she decides that it is worth the sacrifice of marriage for the sake of maintaining the relationship 

2. Disingenuous: Spouse A feels that he/she can change Spouse B’s mind over time or is of the belief that Spouse B will eventually change their mind and decides to stay in the relationship with the hope that Spouse B will “come around”. 

1. This path breeds resentment!! This is why honest and open communication is vital. Both parties must be willing to express their true feelings on the situation so that their spouse can make an informed decision on they wish to proceed. So they can answer the question, “Is this relationship good for me?” (i.e. this is tapping into point 3. Wrong or Just Not Right?) 

2. Walk away  

1. Whether there is genuine disclosure from the outset of the relationship, or the information comes to light down the track, the decision may be made to walk away. This choice will typically come from a place of understanding that Spouse A accepts that Spouse B does not want to get married, and Spouse A identifies the fact that he/she values marriage enough that it is non-negotiable. There is no bitterness or resentment here, however there will very likely be sadness and disappointment, there is just acceptance of the fact that they are D-I and there is no sacrifice/compromise that can be found that is mutually beneficial. That is to say that if Spouse A stays, he/she will be sacrificing a core need for the sake of the relationship, which will inevitably lead to resentment. There is no judgment of the other person involved, there is just an understanding that they are not compatible with one another, and therefore the relationship cannot continue. 

LEVELS 

There can be levels, of sorts, when it comes to the issues you are facing: 1. You are completely on opposing sides, and  2. You are on the same side (want the same things) with opposing aspects/details/nuance (i.e. time frames, number of children, when you get married, etc.).   

Regardless of which level you are on, the solutions mentioned above are the same. The primary reason that the level is important is to recognise that it is possible to have the same goal (you both want children), and still experience aspects of incompatibility (one wants kids now, the other wants to wait 5 years; one of you knows that you want to have kids, the other is on the fence). In this situation, neither partner is wrong in what they want and why they want it, but it requires a very important conversation to be had: does one of you make a sacrifice, or do you separate based on core needs not being met?  

If neither of those options seem good to you, I completely understand, because they aren’t. What I want you to remember is that this is an example of an extreme situation that requires an extreme solution. Both outcomes have consequences; positive and negative, and the goal is to make the decision that best suits your needs. Some people choose to make the sacrifice and persevere, while others choose to walk away in pursuit of their needs. Where a lot of people struggle when faced with these situations, is that they tend to go looking for advice, or sometimes even permission, to act; be it to stay or go. There is an issue and an irony about this pursuit. The issue is that no one can tell you what to do, even if they are telling you something that will be advantageous for you in the long run. The irony is that you probably already know what you want to do, but you’re hoping to get the green light from a third party. A lot of the clients the I speak with fall into the latter category, and they are looking for me to tell them it is okay to leave.

IS IT ‘WRONG’ OR JUST ‘NOT RIGHT’? 

Another concept that is separate to, but relevant, is that the assessment of the relationship as a whole. Compatibility plays a significant role in this, which is why I’ve added it here. Aspects of compatibility will either be a hurdle or a wall in a relationship, and because every relationship is different, you want to be able to look at the relationship you are in, assess it honestly for yourself, and know what to do from there. Is it good (you and your partner can move forward with openness and a willingness to grow), or is not great and it has a shelf life at best, or at worst it has come to its natural end? 

Something is “wrong” 

Something that is ‘wrong’ is something that could almost be considered tangible – it's something that you know is wrong or bad and would justifiably result in a relationship ending. Things like affairs and any kind of abuse would be good examples of this category. Regardless of how emotionally difficult it would be to walk away it is logically easier to leave because you can explain the reason “why it went wrong” to yourself and other people.  

Something “isn’t right” 

Something that just ‘isn’t right’ is something that people can struggle with quite a lot, because it’s like we don’t think we have the right to walk away. It’s almost as if we need for the relationship to be wrong/bad to justify walking away. The difficulty with this belief is that it often results in a “settling” mentality; “It’s not that bad, so I should stick it out.” Those 6 D-I categories are great examples of a relationship being ‘not right’. Another way of looking at it is to ask, “Regardless of whether or not there is anything wrong, is this relationship right for me?” You can also take it a step further and ask, “Are my needs being met? Am I willing/able to meet my partner’s needs?”

~ Until next time. Be Kind. Be Well.

Amylia

Speaking with clients, one of the more common topics that arise involve interpersonal matters - I could write a series on these issues alone!

The tricky thing about interpersonal matters within families and long-term relationships is that there are patterns of behaviours that have repeated ad nauseam over the course of the relationship; for better and worse.

"For better" helps families to stay connected and relationships to thrive, but "for worse" tends to cast shadows and push people apart. Being part of the family unit means that you are so close to the situation it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. In this case, which patterns are healthy repetitions and which are unhealthy, but are repeating out of habit? 

To get a general idea what you're dealing with, ask yourself a simple question:

"But for ________, would the outcome remain the same?"

Another way of wording it is, "If I take _____ away, would the result be the same?" The blank space can be filled by any number of things:

1. My reassurance
2. My patience
3. My attention to detail
4. My willingness to take the blame
5. My willingness to put my needs on hold
6. My willingness to keep the peace
7. My effort
8. My ability to control my emotions

A case study

For example, imagine a family scenario where the mother has a history of disproportionate emotional responses to minor situations, and responsibility for her behaviours is consistently allocated to her children (who are now adults with their own kids). 

The family gets together for a catch up on the weekend and the mother is faced with a statement that triggers an emotional response, albeit a subtle one, i.e. "What do you mean she's not comfortable sitting on my lap? She's my grandchild!". The adult child's automatic response is to offer reassurance, validation, and emotional support.

What's going on?

On the surface, this may come across as a perfectly respectable response -When someone we care about feels attacked, we offer emotional support- and one that the adult child doesn't even second-guess, because it is the norm and has been since she was a child. 

In session, however, I sense that there may be something deeper, and we want to identify whether this interaction is a healthy one, or one born of the survival instincts established in childhood to cope with being held accountable for her mother's lack of emotional regulation. 

So, I pose this question to her:

"But for you stepping in and offering your mother reassurance and emotional support... would the outcome have remained positive?"

Together, we explore the possible options:

• Yes, things would be fine - The same interaction occurred, Mum still had the same response, I DID NOT step in to offer reassurance, the outcome remained positive, and we would go on to have a great family day. Healthy/independent/ILOC
• No, something bad would have happened - Same interaction and response, I still haven't stepped in for reassurance, however Mum's behaviour would escalate, she would get defensive, and she would blame me for poisoning her grandchild against her and accuse me of suggesting that she is a bad parent. Unhealthy/co-dependant/ELOC

What does this mean?

If the outcome is positive with or without your interjection, you're looking at a healthy interaction, and there's no additional motive behind the offering of comfort and reassurance.

If the outcome would likely become negative or hostile, it's a good indication that the offering of emotional support is more than likely serving a deeper purpose. 

Generally speaking it suggests that you've been in this type of situation before, and without realising it you have analysed the circumstances in depth in a fraction of a moment.

At the same time there are two separate streams of thought that are considering all of the things that you want to say, that are factually true, all the while simultaneously filtering and editing the information in such a way that will allow you to address the situation without making things worse. 

1. "If I don't say anything, Mum is going to get upset with my sister, and accuse her of putting a wedge between her relationship with her grandchild. 
2. My sister will then try to explain otherwise, resulting in Mum getting defensive and bringing up the fact that she must think that she was a bad mother when we were growing up and that this is my sister's way of punishing her now.
3. At this stage she will be incredibly upset and impossible to reason with, and my sister will be agitated and angry, Dad will have shut down and retreated, the kids are surrounded by arguments, resulting in the family day turning sour, and everyone feeling uncomfortable
4. Everyone will then look to me to fix things, and I will have to spend the next few hours reassuring her that everything is okay, that she was a great mother, that her grandchild is lucky to have a grandmother like her, and that my sister didn't mean to make her upset."
5. OR! If I step in now, I give Mum the support she is looking for, she doesn't fight with my sister, my sister doesn't get angry and walk away, Dad won't disengage and leave, and I won't be as exhausted afterwards."

In short, "But for my emotional support to Mum during that interaction, the outcome would have devolved into an incredibly negative experience, as has been the case many times before."

Where do we go from here?

Identify patterns with your family members

Figure out why the patterns are continuing? 

What role do you play in the pattern?

What can you do to change it?

- Be kind & stay well. Until next time, Amylia.

Please note: We are not able to see into the future, so this is a 'situational forecast' where we draw from past experiences and use it to inform some probable future scenarios. There are no guarantees, and we are not saying that X will occur, just that it is probable given relevant past experiences with the individual in similar situations.

I'm no weather man, but from a lay-person's point of view the weather forecast is based on data collected from relevant past experiences; the weather at this time last year, current weather patterns, todays weather, temperature changes, unusual environmental changes etc. So, when we see tomorrows forecast as "Mostly sunny, a low of 14 degrees and a high of 25 degrees, with low wind"  we know that this is an educated guesstimation, not a guarantee. 

It is not about certainty

If we don't know that the forecast will be 100% correct, then what's the point in providing it? What if it's wrong? 

The point is that it gives us the chance to see around corners, allowing us to make the best decision we can based on the information we have at the time. If the forecast suggests that it is going to be cold, rainy, and windy tomorrow, then you would benefit from reconsidering your plans to go to the beach and make plans for an indoor activity. 

You wake up the next day and one of two things will happen: 

1. The forecast will be correct - the weather is terrible and you breathe a sigh of relief that the plans were changed.
2. The forecast will be incorrect - the weather is lovely, clear skies, slightly cool but still beach-worthy, and you feel frustrated that the plans were changed "for nothing"

Why is this important? It highlights a few things:

1. When new information comes to light, a decision needs to be made - the beach plans were made when there was a belief that the weather is beachy-worthy (sunny, warm, low wind), and now that we have new information it's important to re-assess the situation. Do you risk it and keep the plans to go to the beach, or do you err on the side of caution and change the plans? There's no right or wrong answer, you weigh up the risk versus reward and make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time.
2. The plans were not changed "for nothing" - the reason we think that way in these circumstances is because we have now turned the corner, if you will, and have all of the information available to us. We are no longer trying to see around the corner, we know what's there; the weather is either good or bad. Statements like "I shouldn't have changed the plans... I should have known..." start to pop up at this time. Ask yourself, without being able to see into the future, how could you have known?

Let's move away from the weather

If a weather forecast helps us to prepare for (you guessed it) the weather, we use Situational Forecasting to make informed decisions about daily life. This is a helpful skill to develop for a number of reasons:

1. It allows you to prepare for conflicted interactions with a reasonable amount of confidence
2. It reduces uncertainties that come from working with people who are unpredictable
3. It provides a sense of control in an otherwise uncomfortable interaction
4. Increases the ability to remain calm in difficult situations

The ability to forecast scenarios offers a neutral bridge to combat the fortune teller error that is often present for people experiencing anxiety. 

Fortune teller error: a cognitive distortion that involves 'predicting the future' in such a way that focuses primarily on the negative outcomes.

A fear of the unknown, or that the worst case scenario is the most likely outcome, often leads anxious people to ruminate (overthink) over a situation in an effort to prepare and keep themselves safe. 

This cognitive distortion is often complicated by rapid thinking. Combine a hyperactive sensitivity to negative outcomes with a rapid-fire capacity to cycle through all of the possible scenarios, and it leaves you with more questions and uncertainty than you had prior to your search for the answers. This can leave you feeling paralysed and unable to make a decision for fear of "getting it wrong". 

The use of a situational forecast controls for this anxiety and provides a reminder of the fact that you can't 'know' the outcome for certain. In all my years of clinical practice, I have yet to meet a person who will intentionally choose a bad option. This means that any choice that you make that results in an unfortunate outcome is not because you made a bad choice, it means that there were unknown factors that were situated around the corner. If you had access to that information at the time you were required to make the choice, you wouldn't have made that choice because you'd have known that it was a bad one. 

Managing anxiety

A word to the wise - Don't ask another question until you've offered yourself a potential solution. 

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you'll treat everything like a nail" 

The same concept applies to coping strategies in mental health.

What works in one situation may not be effective in another situation.

I was speaking with a client yesterday and we were discussing his abandonment of journaling and mindfulness after little more than a week. This is a conversation I've had with a lot of my clients over the years, and they all have the same reason; I felt better, so I stopped. They felt as though they didn't need it anymore.

They recognised there was an area in their life that was not functioning as well as they would like -feeling angry, anxious, short-tempered, stressed- and they decided to come to therapy. Together we identified a number of strategies that that are beneficial for the reduction in said areas, and they set about implementing them in daily life.

After a week or two the clients returned for a follow up session and reported their experience. Typically speaking, they all had a similar experience. With consistent practice, increased awareness, and a little bit of patience they each reported significant improvement in their individual areas of focus, and a positive ripple effect in other areas of life, like relationships, parenting, work, and friendships.

After a couple of sessions post-realisation, we decided that their improvements warranted a long break between sessions and the clients felt confident in their ability to maintain the benefits of their new routine. 

Several weeks -and for some, months- passed, and then I would receive a request for another session. During this check in, they each spoke about how "Things were going really well for a while, and then for some reason, everything started to return to the way things were before."

Wanna take a guess as to the reason why? They stopped making the time for self-reflection and care. They met their goal of 'feel better and reduce stress' and so the activities that helped them achieve those outcomes were no longer seen to be necessary. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." 

Prevention. Restoration. Maintenance.

The way we frame our thoughts and behaviours will influence the ways in which we implement them. If you frame journaling and meditation as merely a means by which you can restore your mental health, you're likely to stop them when you feel restored. If you view them as a means of restoration, maintenance, and prevention you will use them in a wider variety of situations, because you have framed them as having multiple functions.

Hammers & Carpenters

You can either use the hammer or you call a carpenter.

Counselling starts when you notice that the tools you have aren't cutting it. Think of it this way, your counsellor is the carpenter you call when the doors are wonky and scarping along the floor.

Using the hammer is the DIY - you can use the tools that you have at home to do touch-ups and maintenance on minor issues. For the situations where the damage is severe enough, or you don't have the necessary tools, you call in a professional. 

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. We are all different, with unique views of the world, and. When you put two people, with different personalities, opinions, and perspectives in a situation where emotions run high and they need to troubleshoot a problem, you've got a beautiful equation for conflict.

The question is, what does the conflict look like for you? What's your template - your expectation - of how conflict is going to play out? Is it loud, angry, hostile, aggressive? Are there hateful words being said? If this is what comes to mind for you, you're not alone.

It doesn't have to be that way. 

Learn how to disagree

You don't have to see things the same way as the other person. You don't even need to agree with their perspective. Having said that, it is important that you remain respectful.

We all want to feel heard and it's normal to see our personal views as the 'right' ones. Right, however, is subjective. Just because it's different than yours doesn't make it wrong.

John Gottman's Four Horsemen

Learn how to fight fair. Express yourself with kindness, respect, and a willingness to learn. Below is a list of the four most common ways people argue. Identified by John Gottman and his wife, these "Horsemen" of conflict are predictors of divorce in romantic relationships, and can, by assessing the alternative approaches, provide a blueprint for the ways to engage in kind and constructive conflict.

1. Criticise them - Are you criticising or attacking your partner. Are you using a lot of “you” statements and accusatory language; blaming them for how they made you feel, what they have done wrong, etc.
2. Defend yourself - The person defends themselves against the attack (i.e., justifying their behaviour, dismissing the claim as false/misunderstood, blaming the other person)
3. Be contemptuous - This adds fuel to the fire and is the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt belittles your partner and places you on a pedestal of superiority. Scoffing, sarcastic comments, eye-rolling, cynicism, mockery, hostile humour, and dismissive comments are all examples of contemptuous behaviour.
4. Stonewall - One of the individuals shut down and withdraw from the conversation, physically or psychologically.

Instead of those four... try these

1. Raise a complaint - Raise a complaint about an issue – one at a time – and propose a solution where possible.
2. Accept accountability - Seek clarity and take accountability. “So, if I understand correctly, what you’re saying is… Is that right?” or “I’m not sure I understand, can you please help me understand what you mean?”, and “I can see how that would be upsetting/frustrating/disrespectful” or “I’m sorry, I completely forgot. Thank you for reminding me, I’ll do that now.” Remember that taking accountability for your actions does not mean that you are to blame for the conflict.
3. Be kind & clear - Short-term (in the conflict) Describe your feelings and state your needs “I feel ___ about/when you ____. Can we please find a time to talk about this” or “_____ is very important to me. It would mean a lot to me if you could help me with that.” Long-term (consistently throughout the relationship) use the Magic Ratio 20(+):1(-) to create a culture of respect, kindness, and strength. Small things consistently: a kiss, a hug, a kind work, thanking your spouse for their support; choose to focus your energy on Recall the good times you have shared as well as the hard times that you have overcome; your relationship can withstand the discomfort of addressing this conflict, and it will be stronger for it.
4. Call for a pause - Call for a pause. It takes at least 20-30 minutes for the brain to reengage after reaching the point of escalated/heated conflict. Let your partner know that you need a break. This break can serve two functions: 1) it allows both of you to regulate, which will make the return to the interaction more considered and constructive; 2) it is an exercise in trust – “I trust you to give me some space; my partner trusts me to return.” In order for the break to be effective it must be discussed and agreed upon between both partners in a low-tension setting (i.e., during neutral conversation, perhaps during to check in or in therapy). This discussion should include the timeframe of the break (no more than 60 minutes), general phrases that may be used to call for the pause, and the commitment to honour the request.

A word to the wise

1. Take some time to identify which of the Horsemen you are most likely to use in an argument
2. When you are in conflict, pull yourself up when you use the Horsemen, “I’m sorry, that was really critical of me. Let me try again.” – they will appreciate the sentiment.
3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. You may not agree with their perspective but that doesn’t make it wrong. Their feelings are just as important as yours, but their experience of the world may mean that they feel differently, or have a different opinion, than you do about the same situation.
4. Seek understanding. When in doubt, ask a question. If you don’t understand why your partner is sensitive about a particular topic, ask them if they can help you to understand.

- Be kind & stay well. Until next time, Amylia